How stupid do you have to be to dump Brad Pitt? Russian columnists’ advice on Brangelina

1. Brad should have been more manly, Angelina less

Russian website Dni.ru’s astrologist Pavel Andreyev said that Brangelina was doomed to divorce as the gender roles were reversed. Jolie’s role as Lara Croft proves that she was too manly as she was comfortable playing an action hero! Obviously.

2. Brad’s infidelity caused Angelina’s breast cancer

Cosmopolitan Russia published the opinions of a palm reader, a magician and a forensic physician. The palm reader concluded that it was Jolie who was holding the marriage together because of her pink palms and long fingers, while the magician added that Jolie’s breast cancer was directly caused by Pitt’s alleged infidelity (“This cruel illness for women is a direct consequence of resentments towards the partner”). The forensic doctor also explains that he can see that Jolie was depressed in the marriage — a condition he diagnosed by looking at the actor’s photos and seeing that the skin on her elbows looked dry.

​3. They are incompatible numerologically

The website StarHit consulted numerologist Klara Kuzdenbayeva, who claimed that Jolie’s date of birth suggests that she is domineering and has psychic abilities. This “lifecode” is not compatible with Pitt’s. Kuzdenbayeva also predicted that Angelina will meet a new man soon and might even have another baby in 2018.

4. Angelina is no longer beautiful — a lesson to all women

Alexey Kikot, a columnist on Life.ru, one of Russia’s leading tabloids, says that Jolie is no longer the most beautiful woman in the world because the world’s sexiest man, Pitt, no longer fancies her. This should be a lesson to all women who tried to copy Jolie’s style and looks — don’t copy other poeple’s looks, and don’t be “stupid”. The website also produced an incredibly racist 55 second cartoon in which kids of different ethnicities are the reason behind the divorce as they start to fight using stereotypical “ethnic” weapons.

5. Boycott Angelina!

Komsomolskaya Pravda‘s columnist Pavel Klokov titled his op-ed “How stupid do you have to be to dump Brad Pitt?” — and the text is actually a poem which appeals to all real men to not date Jolie if she begs them to go out with her — both out of solidarity and the knowledge that they’re not as attractive as Pitt. “How stupid do you have to be to dump Brad Pitt?/ He might be unshaven and gloomy/ And sometimes drunk in the morning/ But he’s Brad Pitt/ He’s like BMW X5 or iPhone 7/ A bright light at the end of tunnel/ Actor, producer… true Apollo!”

6. Brad has had his bad girl — now he needs to get over it

Another KP journalist, Daria Zavgorodnyaya, penned a piece entitled “Why do all good men go for bad women?” In a reverse of the “all women fall for bad boys” theory, she insists that Pitt is a good person not only because he is nice himself but also because he was married to “good girl” Jennifer Aniston before leaving her for Jolie. But, she concludes, Jolie has ultimately done a good thing by letting Pitt go, earning herself a stamp of approval from one of Russia’s biggest newspapers.